Letters to Our Children: July 2014

This is the seventh in a 12 month series of letters written to my children. I'm so excited (and honored) to be a part of this great project with a group of fellow photographers and moms. The next up in our circle is my friend, Carrie, Seattle family photographer, Yi Li Photography. Just click on the link to read her letter.

Saoirse-

Oh, my biggest girl, do you give me a run for my money. You have taken to telling everyone you meet for the first time that your name means "freedom" in Irish, so they can call you that for a nickname if they want. I am reminded, every time, how apt a name I chose for you, before I even laid eyes on you outside an ultrasound screen. You are the strangest (to me) combination of fragile and stubborn, wild and reserved, fierce and terrified. I have loved you since you were a tiny bundle, with fluffy hair that reminded me of a duckling's fuzz...but I have struggled to understand you for almost as long. You are a mystery that I work so hard to solve, and honestly sometimes with despair think that I will never figure out. Your twin sister is eager to let me in on practically everything. And when I say that I worry about her trying so hard to please those in charge that she will have a hard time figuring out her own needs....well, that's sort of like saying in a job interview that your biggest fault is that you're a perfectionist, isn't it? It's an easy thing to worry about. You, on the other hand? You keep me up nights. I worry that you will take too many risks, and break your neck. Fall in love with the wrong people, and way too hard. That you'll get depressed, like I have, but not find your way back out. It terrifies me, the wildness and impulsiveness I see in you. But then...there's also the other fears. That, not only will I tame you...but I'll break you. That you will settle down...and it will be the worst thing ever. Like seeing a wild horse pulling a cart.

Yesterday friends visited us and shared the news that they are expecting their first baby later this year. They talked to us about parenting advice that they've heard, asked our opinions. Our friend's father had told her that babies will teach you what they need. That they train you as much as you train them. I think that's true, in our experience. You have rarely been eager to get on board with our plans, preferring to go your own way. I'm not sure I've been a very good trainee. I have tried, though, baby girl. I'll keep trying. Just kept telling me what you need.

Love always, Mama