Letters to Our Children: March 2014

This is the third in a 12 month series of letters written to my children. I'm so excited (and honored) to be a part of this great project with a group of fellow photographers and moms. Next up in our circle is Ann Becker, read her post here.

Dear Fiona-
Until I had you, I thought that getting what I wanted would make me happy. All my life I had wanted a little girl of my own. Then your sisters came, and I had TWO! It was harder than I expected, though. Hard to get those babies, hard to carry them. Hard to take care of two at once. I loved them, but I also worried every minute that I was doing this all wrong. Struggling so much, as a new mom, was so hard to take when it was the job I had waited for so anxiously for so long. Then I got pregnant again. I thought that I had already gotten "my girls," so I wanted a boy this time. For balance, for your dad, for that experience of having a son. Instead I found out that I was having one more girl. A healthy baby girl. I worried that I might feel like I had missed out on having a son. Then you came. And the minute I met you, I felt like I finally understood why people said, "Oh, I don't care what I have, as long as they're healthy." Until I met you, I cared. But you were not what I would have asked for...and yet, Fiona, you were so much more. You were exactly what I needed. I was madly in love with you from the moment I saw you. When you were ten days old, I cried telling your dad that I just wanted time to stop, because I knew that so far I had done everything right for you. So far, for ten days, I had given you everything you needed. I was the perfect mom. Time didn't stop. And I'm not the perfect mom, for sure. The last six months, since Liam joined us, have been challenging for us for sure. But here's the funny thing: I am a better mom to you than to my other kids. I try just as hard with them...but it's easier for me to be the right mom for you. I'm not sure why that is. I know I feel guilty about it sometimes. But I also feel unbelievably lucky to have you. You are a gift, and have been every day since you were born. I love you almost more than I can stand.


Love Always, Mama